Journal Entry - May 11, 2022

I guess I’m gonna start today by just writing a bit. Writing always helps me organizer my ideas, of which I always have an excess. I really like making music, but also I need to realize it and market it and etc etc etc. On top of that there is ALL OF LIFE outside of my tiny music bubble to explore and enjoy while I can. I’m not sick or anything… haha, life is just short. I love it if I had some help sometimes.

Maybe I should hire a professional tour organizer if such a thing exists. It’s just hard when things cost so much money, and returns on investments aren’t guaranteed. It’s not that I don’t have faith in my music. I know my music is awesome. I really like it and I know a lot of people do too. But being good or enjoyable or artistically solid doesn’t necessarily convert to dollars. I don’t want to blow my saving trying to expand, and then get caught in a sticky situation. I want to keep making art, that is the priority. And if I have a smaller operation but I get to GUARANTEE that I can o what I love every day, then that is my priority. Money is a weird thing. I hate it but I love it and want it all the same. Sadly money is tied in to validation and despite anyone’s best efforts, everyone wants to be appreciated. Everyone wants to matter, and for their actions and their art to make a meaningful difference in the world.

I guess I’m just going to finish a couple albums. I think the music I’ve been silently making in the backgrounds for the last 3-4 years is VERY VERY GOOD. And I just need to cuts those ties and let it all flow. I need to let go of perfection, because it doesn’t take much observation to realize that it doesn’t exist. People will like it. People will hate it. I just don’t want an inpatient to release my art cause me to put out something that isn’t to it’s fullest potential. I love my ideas and I feel like they deserve to be honoured with hard work and excellence.

This summer I’m going to go mad. Like good mad. Mad hard. I’m going to write a TON of Canadian remixes. I’m going to figure out how to film and edit with my 360 camrea. I’m going to put out a DOUBLE ALBUM called Pretty//Ugly I’m going to film so awesome amazing art in a way that make it FUN to edit it. Maybe I’ll try to get some friends involved.

I might even start doing more ‘youtube-y’ things. Little challenges with friends. Spontaneous and awesome stuff. Give presents to strangers and film their reactions. Just try to let my energy loose.

At the end of the day it always comes back to fear. Fear is what holds me back. Fear of being judged. Fear of being laughed at or fear that my true intentions of positivity won’t shine through. That one is big. Fear that people will think I just want money or fame is one that makes me feel very awkward when I post. People have very negative minds, and they always find a way to see the worst in other people’s intentions. Myself included. In fact that statement I just wrote proves it. I Expect the worse out of people sometimes, because I’m afraid.

But fear isn’t stupidity. Fear is a desire to protect one’s self from harm. Some fear can be good and keep us from doing irreversibly stupid stuff… haha… don’t do drugs kids. My point is that the REAL BATTLE, is not to kill the fear. It’s to not hate myself for feeling fear. It’s like ya I’ma afraid. So is every other living mammal to ever exist in all of the history of the universe. If I wasn’t afraid I’d be non-human. I wouldn’t even be a lifeforms. I’d be some weird thing called ‘perfect,’ which as we establish, doesn’t exist.

And if I was perfect, success would be boring. It would be a given.

This way, when I make good things happen, it means something, because I really went for it :)

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